Last night the New England Patriots killed the Atlanta Falcons… That is not a figure of speech, the Atlanta Falcons are actually a team full of dead guys and it’s all the Patriots fault. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Oh look out! The rematch! This defense gives up 4 billion yards a game. Gonna be a close one.” — Me (and many others) — HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Alright, I’m composed. Seriously though if you want a peek at what it looks like to own a 9 bedroom 10 bathroom waterfront mansion taken straight out of Newport and plant it inside an entire team’s head look no further than last night.
In a tribute to LeGarrette Blount, Mother Nature decided to cook up the kind of fog that looked exactly like
the gravity bongs I used to hit in high school a lot of fog…
I had never seen anything like that before. So many old-heads talking about The Fog Bowl in like 87 or 88 but that doesn’t resonate with me. All I could think was that I hope there’s fog every NFL game for the rest of time because I NEED MORE OF THE ON-FIELD CAMERA.
The Falcons came out aggressive which is what they had to do to have any sort of shot in this game. 4th and 7 in the first quarter of the game? HIT ME! Matt Ryan scrambles for the first down and I headbutt a pile of bricks. Then Cassius Marsh with those Son of God crosses on his face set the tone for the night.
GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE *Mutombo finger wave*
At that point the Falcons died, they actually died. You honestly could’ve stopped playing the game after that because there was no point in trying. Phase 1 (Special Teams) CHECK!
Still, I’m glad they kept playing. The Patriots took the ball over and then a nice change of pace with the running game led the Patriots down the field. Dion Lewis rushed for 29 yards on 2 carries that drive. Decent. The drive was capped off by a Tom Brady jet shuttle pass to Brandin Cooks who literally piggybacked Gronk into the end zone.
It was an awesome start for the boys. Then it just got better from there. The Falcons punt on their next drive. The Patriots answer with a Stevie G field goal… Then the incredible happened again.
The Falcons took their next drive and tried to patch together some sort of makeshift offense. The only problem though was that Malcolm Butler was FLYING all over the field last night. Covering a receiver like Julio Jones is no joke. You don’t really “stop” him you can only hope to contain him. Butler did that. On this particular drive, we arrived at 4th and 6 at the New England 47 yard line… So call it midfield. There was 1:55 left in the half and the Patriots have all three timeouts. SO ANYONE WITH A BRAIN KNOWS YOU GOTTA PUNT AND MAKE THE PATRIOTS DRIVE THE LENGTH OF THE FIELD BEFORE HALFTIME.
Luckily for us in Patriots Nation, Falcons head coach Dan Quinn literally has no brain. Nothing in there. Hollow chocolate bunny from Easter type shit in that head. Quinn goes for it. Matt Ryan and Sanu were off on the route break. Touchdown Tommy gets to play short field football with three timeouts. IDIOTS. MORONS. Brady marches down the (half) field throwing darts all over the place. He caps the drive off with a missile to James White. PHASE 2 (offense) CHECK.
17-0 was the score at halftime. Even I’ll admit, I truly thought the Falcons were going to head into the locker room, make second-half adjustments, and it was going to be a war throughout the rest of the game. The Falcons just looked hash-tag shook and the Patriots were just dominating every phase of the game. The Falcons have a roster full of talent that supersedes any opponent that Patriots have faced so far.
Then I remembered that Dan Quinn was still going to be the coach in that second-half… Awesome.
The opening drive of the second-half was what the Falcons needed. A strong running game (Devonta Freeman is a MONSTER) and they were poised for points until Matt “I was a participant in Woodstock” Bryant decided to miss what is normally a chip shot for him. Some people called that fog last night… Me? KICKER MIST BABY. BELICHICK DONE DID IT AGAIN.
Patriots take over, drive and hit another Stevie G field goal. Then… IT HAPPENED AGAIN. Arguably the funniest moment of the game. The writers of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” couldn’t have written this shit any better. The Falcons drive all the way down to the Patriots 1 yard line and it’s 3rd and goal. Instant touchdown right? WRONG ALL THE WAY WRONG.
3rd down Matt Ryan throws to Julio Jones… Broken up
4th down… Have to go for it and just like Super Bowl 49 EVERYONE IS THINKING RUN. Devonta Freeman was torching the Patriots all night. This was a no-brainer.
BUT HAVE NO FEAR DAN QUINN FROM THE PETE CARROLL COACHING TREE IS HERE. What’s the call, Dan? *Looks at Madden 13 playbook* JET SWEEP TO TAYLOR GABRIEL ON LOLLLLLLLL.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT. That’s what you go with, Dan? Don’t give me the whole “Offensive coordinator makes the call.” that kind of call is on the head coach, ALWAYS. You don’t even have Devonta Freeman in the backfield to at least give the illusion of the play YOU SHOULD HAVE RAN.
This is why the Patriots are the Patriots and Belichick is the greatest ever. He’s so inside every coach’s head that Dan Quinn thought it would be too easy to run Freeman up the middle… Even though with the holes he was getting you could’ve dressed Danny Devito in football pads and launched him into the end zone. That’s too easy, Dan Quinn just folded like a lawn chair and throws up all over himself. God, that was so much fun.
The game was chalk from there. Another Patriots field goal, and a garbage time touchdown to Julio Jones for fantasy football owners everywhere. The Patriots won 23-7.
The Bench Mob’s GAME BALL OF THE WEEK
The entire New England Patriots defense. No Eric Rowe, no Stephon Gilmore, NO PROBLEM. This offense (regardless of struggles) is still a WAGON on paper and this Patriots defense finally got sick of everyone saying how bad they are. They stepped up and this was a statement performance from Matt Patricia’s squad.
This is the kind of win that has Patriots Nation feeling good at class/work/life on this beautiful October Monday. The Patriots host the
San Diego LA Chargers this coming Sunday and it’s about building from here. Let’s go.
Bright side for the Falcons. Can’t blow a lead if you trail all game, baby.